What does a 24 year old, bi-racial, morbidly obese trans man think about on irregular intervals? Very often I fear being attacked out on the street. Hence, I hide in my room and rarely leave. I worry a lot, and stop myself from doing things.
That pretty much sums me up. I was going to be really negative in this post, but that’s not who I want to be anymore.
My thoughts today have skipped several beats, as they usually do. Usually circling around my plans for the day -staying positive, enjoying the weather, eating, getting things done; and imaginary things. I dream a lot, and like to lie on my bed, listening to music and dreaming of various worlds and people that don’t actually exist ands how they would deal with things.
I also think about what it’s like to lose weight. How does it feel knowing you’re losing weight? Do you go clothes shopping every time you drop a dress size?
I think about how it would feel like with a flat chest. Or how I’d look like with a beard, or what I’d do if I had more confidence, less weight and a peen between my legs. I imagine what I’d do with more confidence a lot. More often than not, those actions just stay in my dreams and I never actively try to work on my non-exsisting confidence and ridiculously low self esteem.
I’m currently quite tipsy. My tipsy self wants to google how to work on my confidence. I feel like dancing in the summers rain. Instead, though, I’m going to hide in my room and do nothing.
Something is still bugging me. Even though I promised my best friend to shut up about it, to let it go and just be selfish and focus on myself to be a better and more awesome version of myself, I feel like I need to yell about a certain thing.
As noted in a quite recent post, I am now single. The aftereffects of breaking up, has actually left me feel relieved. I knew it was going to happen since the beginning of March, distantly hoped the relationship could’ve been saved – even though I really knew it couldn’t. Looking back, I realise I would never be able to give that person the support they need. What has been done, has been done. No matter how many times I apologise, it’s not going to change.
The precise thoughts I want to vent, since no longer speaking a single word to that person, are the following.
Yes, I let my emotions out, even though I knew it was going to happen sooner than later. I feel like I had a right to do that to a point. Or not? Can anybody really scold me for reacting emotionally? I care(d) for you, no matter what. But I have felt like I’m not allowed to be emotional.
I thought about saying something along the lines of our variations of truth may differ but I think that would be a blow below the belt and really not necessary.
To be honest, I feel relieved that we are no longer dating. I have started doing exercises. Partly because I felt upset about you being so desperate to lose weight, knowing that I am morbidly obese myself. This, at the same time raised the question of “did you really love me/what did you see in me?” But mostly, I started swapping exercises with self harm. The smallest exercises is leaving my muscles aching, doing the exercises distracts me from the thoughts, while at the same time making myself feel better about things, and doing things for myself. I really feel relieved. I’m being selfish. More obviously selfish, to take care of myself. If I have been rude or selfish towards anybody, I am sorry. I hope you can point this out and tell me, so I may rectify my behaviour towards other people, especially those closest to me. “Staying friends” was mentioned by you. Like that was really ever going to happen. I knew it wouldn’t, before I messed up. I would’ve felt worse, for longer, not being able to let go.
Instead of wallowing in sorrows, I’m desperately trying to pick myself up. The thoughts of being worthless, ugly, not worth of love or any positive attention have always been there and aren’t anything new. But I am not letting this situation get at me. I know I am the difficult one. The unwanted one. But I knew that before I knew you.
On a positive note, I’ve been keeping up with my exercises since monday and I feel really good about them so far. I’m enjoying my euphoric moments, which are lasting longer than my down periods. I also learned something about buddhism today, which got me excited and more motivated to learn more. Right now, I am actually really looking forward to go to bed, but I really need to get some reading done beforehand. I’ll feel better after doing some more reading tho, so I look forward to that. Knowing that I’ll feel better afterwards spurs me on to do more work. Today anyway.