What does a 24 year old, bi-racial, morbidly obese trans man think about on irregular intervals? Very often I fear being attacked out on the street. Hence, I hide in my room and rarely leave. I worry a lot, and stop myself from doing things.
That pretty much sums me up. I was going to be really negative in this post, but that’s not who I want to be anymore.
My thoughts today have skipped several beats, as they usually do. Usually circling around my plans for the day -staying positive, enjoying the weather, eating, getting things done; and imaginary things. I dream a lot, and like to lie on my bed, listening to music and dreaming of various worlds and people that don’t actually exist ands how they would deal with things.
I also think about what it’s like to lose weight. How does it feel knowing you’re losing weight? Do you go clothes shopping every time you drop a dress size?
I think about how it would feel like with a flat chest. Or how I’d look like with a beard, or what I’d do if I had more confidence, less weight and a peen between my legs. I imagine what I’d do with more confidence a lot. More often than not, those actions just stay in my dreams and I never actively try to work on my non-exsisting confidence and ridiculously low self esteem.
I’m currently quite tipsy. My tipsy self wants to google how to work on my confidence. I feel like dancing in the summers rain. Instead, though, I’m going to hide in my room and do nothing.
It is truly lovely weather outside. The sun is shining, it’s warm, and its a Saturday. Saturdays are usually my favourite day of the week, and I do enjoy the sun.
But recently I just haven’t been feeling myself. I think its a combination of Holiday blues and moving house. I can’t seem to get into the habit of writing anything, despite having many ideas. Is it too warm? Am I too preoccupied? Who knows, because I don’t.
I really hope this weird mood disappears soon so I can really figure out what to write about and what to film for my youtube channel.
Things I considered writing were book reviews and movie reviews. I watch heck of a lot of movies and when I do manage to read a book, I would enjoy reviewing it properly (instead of just in my mind).
I personally would love to review recent movies here on this blog, from a queer biracial point of view. Time to set some time aside for that! (And to remember to actually take some notes before and after?)
Quote of the Day
Shoot for the moon and if you miss you can still be among the stars -Les Brown
Day Ten: Write about something you feel strongly about
Again, this is a weird topic to choose just one, and then write about it. I feel strongly about a lot of things, but I always find it difficult to find the words. Equal Rights is a thing I feel strongly about. Harry Potter is naturally something I feel strongly about. Good education & equal opportunities for all and reading are other things I feel strongly about, which all work together somehow. I feel really strongly about my friends and my family. What do I choose to talk about?
This is actually more difficult than I thought it should be.
I feel strongly about Harry Potter, because that is one community, I definitely belong to. It doesn’t matter what colour my skin is, where I am from or how I sound like when I speak. It’s all about the Harry Potter universe and that’s amazing. I never felt German, even though I grew up there, speak the language and was schooled there. I don’t feel British, even though most of my family is, and speaking English allows me to express myself better than German. I’m biracial, but grew up in a dominantly white community. I feel like I don’t belong to either community. Sometimes, when I speak, I still sound German. But none of that matters in the Harry Potter Universe.
Harry Potter has always been that constant in my life, and has gotten me through so many rough patches (school/bullying, depression, anxiety). It gave me a world to escape in, and I have never found another world that quite did the same. So, to no surprise to anyone, I feel strongly about Harry Potter.
I feel strongly about family and friends. My mother is so important to me. I also feel so remarkably lucky, that I have such a good relationship with her and many other family members. All of my friends are so strong and amazing and supportive. I’d die for all of them, without a second thought.
With having finished my English Language and Linguistics degree, I decided I want to teach abroad. Not because that is seemingly the most obvious path to take with this degree, but because I feel strongly about giving people outside of Europe and USA a voice, if that makes sense. I don’t want to teach English, because I believe that it is a language everyone needs to learn to speak to get far in life, but because I believe that learning another language helps to understand your own culture and language, and your situation in the world. Growing up bilingual has given me greater sense of identity (despite not feeling German nor British) and a sense that language shouldn’t limit me in what I can or cannot do. I don’t just want to go out there and teach English, but give them general language skills in all the languages I speak, too, or am learning myself. Not being limited to that, I want to give people an equal chance to learn. I want to be able to give people the space to learn about their own language, culture and country, and to learn so much more beyond just the English language. I want to give people the opportunity to learn and grow, whether they are neurotypical or not, whether they are deaf, blind, both or neither. I guess I just want to give something of my good fortune back to those who aren’t given an opportunity. I’m not exactly sure what exactly this falls under. Good education, teaching, language? Possibly all.
Quote of the Day
Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard
Since I’m on my last essay of the year, and my last essay of my degree if I pass, I thought I’d write a bit about inspiration.
Inspiration to start Youtube myself
I actually got inspired to upload youtube videos by all the vlogs I watch. Even though I am struggling on what to film, editing videos and actually uploading some, I do hope to come up with a routine soon. Some of my favourite people on youtube are actually Sharla, Taylor and Mimei. Noticeably, the people I watch the most are in Japan.
Inspiration to start writing
Harry Potter, what a surprise. And, weirdly, dreams. Some of my dreams inspire me to write and turn the dream into an idea suitable for a novel. So far, I have yet to finish anything, but I think the ideas I have are good. I also try journalling, just to keep writing. Daily life, I think, can be a huge inspiration for novels.
Inspiration to start studying at University
At University, I study English Language and Linguistics. I actually graduate in July.
I kind of fell into studying English Language at college when I moved to the UK, because I thought I hadn’t read enough classics to study English Literature. Growing up bilingual, I thought I might as well try English Language. That led me to studying English language and linguistics. At times I have regretted studying a dual course, instead of just focusing on English Language. But I survived three years of doing it so I guess it’s all good.
Word of the day
British informal noun, and it means a cat
Poem of the day
By Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build’em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!
Tonight is difficult. But keeping strong with Season 2 of Sense8! Had quite a bit planned today. Something literary based and something fun. But I left it too late, and now my mood has gone down hill.
Today I enjoyed two long walks, which was lovely. I’ve been productive on my uni work and rid myself of some notebooks I’ve never used. After decisions made yesterday, and last week, I feel a lot better. Deciding to letting go is one thing, but finally letting go for real is something else. I’ve started to really let go of people and things and that alone has had a huge impact on how I deal with things. Even with my low mood now, dealing with it seems more manageable.
Anyway, before I start drifting off or anything. Time to relax and wind down somehow.
I haven’t been to the cinema in like two weeks, and I finally went to see Their Finest today. The trip to the cinema was spontaneous, and I actually couldn’t remember the trailer to this movie. All I could really remember is that I wanted to see it. It wasn’t until I was on my way there, that I remembered, vaguely, what the movie is about.
My first thoughts on the movie I’m going to tell you. Bare in mind, that, to form a really good opinion of this movie, I would probably have to see it several times and wait a few days to soak it all up. Please, don’t hesitate to go and see it yourself (for those kind few who are reading this). Apart from lacking diversity (to be honest, I never really expect anything less, as sad as that sounds), I actually quite enjoyed the movie. It made me laugh, it made me cry and it just generally felt like a well rounded movie. Good characters, good story line. Everything just kind of worked well together. It has definitely made an impression on me, a good one that is.
Now, its back to reading, writing, and the other things I am going to get distracted with. Music, dishes, social media. The usual stuff. I can really tell my ADHD/ADD medication working again -I forgot to take them for about a week. In times like these, I really appreciate them, as they help me bucket loads to focus and get working. Even if I get distracted, it is easier to rail me back into a frame of mind which pushes me to do some productive work, and not just waste hours on tumblr, twitter and facebook.
Today has been a beautiful day outside. In between trying to write a dissertation, I briefly went into town to enjoy some sun and some shopping.
I just ended up with a bunch of new Harry Potter themed socks and a cute little Harry Potter door sign.
For some reason, I feel ok today. I’m taking more antidepressants, and I hope they can give me that little bit more motivation to get myself sorted out. A little bit of me is worried about taking too high a dose of antidepressants, for when I try weaning myself off of them. But I guess I’ll deal with that when it comes to it.
Quote of the day
A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events and outcomes. It is a catalyst and it sparks extraordinary results.
by Wade Boggs (x)
Word of the day: plisky
This is a noun and means mischievous trick, practical joke, prank
I thought this was a very fitting word of the day for April 1st, which also happens to be George and Fred Weasley’s birthday.
Every Saturday is the day in the week dedicated to clean and tidy up. It was so lovely outside, it actually felt like a spring clean. After the usual saturday stuff, I even went on a nice walk in Friston Forest, which was really nice. It was surprisingly warm I thought for February. Hopefully very soon I’ll get some time to sort out some photos and update my flickr page.
Weirdly I am somewhat enjoying my reading for my module Language, Culture and Ideology. This weeks reading included reading up on booklets on Marx, Lenin and Trotsky. I studied Lenin and Trotsky during my time at college in the UK, so it felt like revision. All together, I found it quite interesting and it didn’t feel like a task. Perhaps, a bit repetitive, but still interesting.
Word of the day: die Eule
Yeh, another noun. This translates to “the owl”. Owls are one of my favourite animals, and this was the first thing that came to my mind tonight. Sometimes, if it is quiet enough, you can hear owls hooting outside around my house.
Quote of today
We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided
-by J.K. Rowling
It actually snowed this morning but it kinda turned into rain disguised as snowflakes, which isn’t actually that unusual here where I live. But it amused me for a little bit, because I didn’t actually have to leave the house much.
Question of the day: Sweet or Sour? Sweet or Salty?
Both. When I was younger I was always just a sweet chocolate kind of kid but I kinda like both sweet n sour sweets. In regards to sweet or salty popcorn, again I like both. Only recently though.
Poetry of the day:
On Imagination by Phillis Wheatley
Thy various works, imperial queen, we see,
How bright their forms! how deck’d with pomp by thee!
Thy wond’rous acts in beauteous order stand,
And all attest how potent is thine hand.
From Helicon’s refulgent heights attend,
Ye sacred choir, and my attempts befriend:
To tell her glories with a faithful tongue,
Ye blooming graces, triumph in my song.
Now here, now there, the roving Fancy flies,
Till some lov’d object strikes her wand’ring eyes,
Whose silken fetters all the senses bind,
And soft captivity involves the mind.
Imagination! who can sing thy force?
Or who describe the swiftness of thy course?
Soaring through air to find the bright abode,
Th’ empyreal palace of the thund’ring God,
We on thy pinions can surpass the wind,
And leave the rolling universe behind:
From star to star the mental optics rove,
Measure the skies, and range the realms above.
There in one view we grasp the mighty whole,
Or with new worlds amaze th’ unbounded soul.
Though Winter frowns to Fancy’s raptur’d eyes
The fields may flourish, and gay scenes arise;
The frozen deeps may break their iron bands,
And bid their waters murmur o’er the sands.
Fair Flora may resume her fragrant reign,
And with her flow’ry riches deck the plain; Sylvanus may diffuse his honours round,
And all the forest may with leaves be crown’d:
Show’rs may descend, and dews their gems disclose,
And nectar sparkle on the blooming rose.
Such is thy pow’r, nor are thine orders vain,
O thou the leader of the mental train:
In full perfection all thy works are wrought,
And thine the sceptre o’er the realms of thought.
Before thy throne the subject-passions bow,
Of subject-passions sov’reign ruler thou;
At thy command joy rushes on the heart,
And through the glowing veins the spirits dart.
Fancy might now her silken pinions try
To rise from earth, and sweep th’ expanse on high:
From Tithon’s bed now might Aurora rise,
Her cheeks all glowing with celestial dies,
While a pure stream of light o’erflows the skies.
The monarch of the day I might behold,
And all the mountains tipt with radiant gold,
But I reluctant leave the pleasing views,
Which Fancy dresses to delight the Muse;
Winter austere forbids me to aspire,
And northern tempests damp the rising fire;
They chill the tides of Fancy’s flowing sea,
Cease then, my song, cease the unequal lay.
Since the festive season has basically started, I thought I’d share something.
Your Holiday Mom is the thing I’d like to share. People on this site offer a virtual home to LGBTQ Youth during the holidays. Even I, who has a kind and caring and supportive home, tear up when I read these messages.
Nobody will actually do this, write to me and/or talk to me. But I am still going to offer my listening skills to everybody who has something to say. I have a lot of kindness to give, and would love to share this with everybody who would like it.
It’s not actually going to matter. I know nobody is actually going to message me. But it’s out there either way. I don’t know what else I could offer apart from myself and what I have.
Question of the day: How do I make a usual Saturday more interesting?
Do something spontaneous, or unusual. As the festive season is fast approaching, my spontaneous and unusual action for today is christmas shopping. Plus, I got a new Phone case which made things a little bit exciting. Also, I’m trying out some different music today. In moments of doubt where everything is same same, its time to mix things up a little bit. I always kid myself change had to be huge and grand, but really, it doesn’t. Change in the littlest routines can make things that little bit more exciting.