Thoughts of a 24 year old

What does a 24 year old, bi-racial, morbidly obese trans man think about on irregular intervals? Very often I fear being attacked out on the street. Hence, I hide in my room and rarely leave. I worry a lot, and stop myself from doing things.

That pretty much sums me up. I was going to be really negative in this post, but that’s not who I want to be anymore.

My thoughts today have skipped several beats, as they usually do. Usually circling around my plans for the day -staying positive, enjoying the weather, eating, getting things done; and imaginary things. I dream a lot, and like to lie on my bed, listening to music and dreaming of various worlds and people that don’t actually exist ands how they  would deal with things.

I also think about what it’s like to lose weight. How does it feel knowing you’re losing weight? Do you go clothes shopping every time you drop a dress size?

I think about how it would feel like with a flat chest. Or how I’d look like with a beard, or what I’d do if I had more confidence, less weight and a peen between my legs. I imagine what I’d do with more confidence a lot. More often than not, those actions just stay in my dreams and I never actively try to work on my non-exsisting confidence and ridiculously low self esteem.

I’m currently quite tipsy. My tipsy self wants to google how to work on my confidence. I feel like dancing in the summers rain. Instead, though, I’m going to hide in my room and do nothing.

Video of the Day

Just another day

I spent all day watching 13 Reasons why, listening to music, and starting another TV show on Netflix. In between, I have tried to be somewhat productive. Now, I am tired from being tired. Yet, I am glad about today. Several times I nearly had jealousy and hatred fill me up again, but I managed to simmer it down and not react too much to it. I was going to write about nostalgia today, how I miss riding my bike past fields on country lanes in the sun, or the sound a bike makes, or quiet german streets, the smell of freshly baked bread and living so close to school I could walk. But alas, the inspiration and energy has left my finger tips.

Oh, and there are trigger warnings for 13 Reasons Why, in regards to sexual assault, rape and suicide. So be aware, and keep safe.

Things of the day

The things I want to share today are the nostalgia machine and the kpop machine, which I found through stumbleupon.com. Stumbleupon.com is a great site to find new and fun stuff, but most of ya’ll probably knew that already. I constantly forget and rediscover it, and it keeps me entertained for a long time (usually).

Quote of the day

To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.
– Buddha (x)

Photos of the day

Boats and Skyscrapers
Jon Herbert

Videos of the day

Blogmas Day 12

Today

Despite the fact that I could wallow in my loneliness and uselessness, I think I should wallow into something else. Something more positive.

Today, I was able to use public transport safely. I went to the cinema and enjoyed my movie. I have money in my bank account, and in my savings. I have a somewhat good relationships with my parents and live at home rent free. I just have so many little things to be grateful for and it annoys me that the little, annoying things are really quite annoying.

Cinema trip

On a more obvious positive note, I went to see Office Christmas Party today. It was quite entertaining and funny. It isn’t one of the funniest movies I’ve seen, but I did crack up a few times. If I had to rate it, I think I could give it a 6.9/10. I liked the characters and the storyline, it was amusing and I laughed. I would go and see it again.

Question of the day: Do you prefer the festive season in the UK or abroad?

I thought I liked both, now that I have experienced both. Today I have realised, that I actually like the festive season abroad in Asia, away from christmassy stuff. The long dark nights, rainy weather. It’s ok in October, but now I just feel even more fed up, tired and like I could really do with a break. I miss the warmth and the beaches and the general feeling of feeling better.

I have never really realised how the seasons affected me, but this year I feel like the cold season is having an effect on me. Luckily, I have a lot of colourful things around me and some comfy clothes that help.

Photo of the day

IMG_4984
Ciarán Rhys

Video of the day

Blogmas Day 10

I was so dreamy yesterday, I didn’t even add a video or a photo. So double for today!

It’s been somewhat un-special today. Went for some shopping, and spent most of my time sorting out University stuff -writing a critical review and writing out would’ve as would have just to fill out the word count. They’re just drafts for now, so hopefully they’ll be done tomorrow and ready to be sent off.

I finally found the pictures from my trip to Wakehurst Place mentioned here.

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They’re nothing special but basically sum up the event. They had some great entertainment for kids, food to eat and drinks to drink and places to sit. It was quite fun, even for a grown up (I’m still a child on the inside). I finally tried roasted chestnuts. Not sure if I like them, but I finally tried them. I don’t mind the texture, the texture is quite nice. But I’m not sure about the taste.

Photos of the day

Snoopy
Snoopy
Untitled
nettisrb

Videos of the day

Blogmas Day 9: Dreamy

Today:

I will talk about today, tomorrow. Still have to go through the pictures

I went to Wakehurst Place and their Glow Wild event. It was really really entertaining and pretty. I loved all of the lanterns and they even had some owl ones. The walk was good, it did get quite busy at times, but it was still very enjoyable. There were refreshments, toilets, and it was just really quite good.

 

Question of the day: Are you a dreamer?

I am ridicilously dreamy. Yesterday, I unknowingly and very obviously stared at a teacher of mine in a lecture without even noticing. Today, I somehow threw some money in the bin? I can’t remember doing it and… why would I do such a thing??

The past days have been ridicilously dreamy. Maybe its the season, idk haha. As long as it doesn’t interfere too much with my life, I guess I shouldn’t worry too much about it.

My gran would always call me her lil day dreamer. It’s how I passed time I guess, until life cought up with me. I still do it tho…

Poem of the day

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

– Dreams by Langston Hughes

Blogmas day 7

Today

Today has been somewhat unfestive. I’ve been reading a lot and spending a lot of unproductive time in my room. But I did get some stuff done, so I don’t feel too guilty about that.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day so I hope to get enough sleep for an early start.

Question of the day: Do you know what your names mean?

I do. Ciarán is an irish name and means the little dark one and Rhys is welsh, and means enthusiasm.

Poetry of the day

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;

-William Shakespeare

Photo of the day

Skating
Svein Nordrum

Video of the day

Double Trouble

Quote of the day

Your world is a living expression of how you are using -and have used- your mind
-Earl Nightingale

Poetry of the day

Enter the three Witches.

1 WITCH.  Thrice the brinded cat hath mew’d.
2 WITCH.  Thrice and once, the hedge-pig whin’d.
3 WITCH.  Harpier cries:—’tis time! ’tis time!
1 WITCH.  Round about the caldron go;
In the poison’d entrails throw.—
Toad, that under cold stone,
Days and nights has thirty-one;
Swelter’d venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i’ the charmed pot!
ALL.  Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.
2 WITCH.  Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the caldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg, and owlet’s wing,—
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
ALL.  Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.
3 WITCH.  Scale of dragon; tooth of wolf;
Witches’ mummy; maw and gulf
Of the ravin’d salt-sea shark;
Root of hemlock digg’d i the dark;
Liver of blaspheming Jew;
Gall of goat, and slips of yew
Sliver’d in the moon’s eclipse;
Nose of Turk, and Tartar’s lips;
Finger of birth-strangled babe
Ditch-deliver’d by a drab,—
Make the gruel thick and slab:
Add thereto a tiger’s chaudron,
For the ingrediants of our caldron.
ALL.  Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.
2 WITCH.  Cool it with a baboon’s blood,
Then the charm is firm and good.

by William Shakespeare, from Macbeth

Photos of the day

Untitled
nettisirb
Crinkled, Wrinkled, Folded and Creased
Cindy Taylor

Videos of the day

Boring old Sunday

Today

I actually spent most of my day doing some academic reading and watching movies. My attention span managed to get through four movies. Usually I struggle massively to get through one. I did think about watching another one, but I had a feeling that might’ve been stretching it. Filling up on tea and I keep finding reasons to tidy up. How I get anything done, truly done, we’ll never know.

Question of the day: Sweets or chocolate?

I love chocolate. But I also love sweets. And I quite like crisps. I really miss egg sandwiches with crisps (I think it is time I treated myself to this again). I have a massive sweet tooth, which causes quite a few problems, but I limit myself to weekends 99% of the time. At the moment it seems to be working out quite well.

Phrase of the day: Aller Anfang ist schwer

This is actually a German proverb, meaning something along the lines of “Every Beginning is difficult.”
I quite like this proverb and have heard it several times growing up. This is especially said, for example, when you’re learning something new and are struggling with it.

Quote of the day

Do a little more of what you want to do every day, until your idea becomes what’s real
-Unknown

Videos of the day

BYOB from tt on Vimeo.

Photo of the day

Up River
Steve Rengers

Comfort-Wednesday

Quote of the day:

Be weird. Your strangeness is your magic.
-Parker Lewis

Question: What to do when stuck in the house?

I actually spend an embarrassing amount of time in my room and have multiple ways to keep me busy. The internet is obviously an unlimited source of entertainment. I end up watching a lot of TV, playing PS3 games (or other games), or I can very easily get caught up on catching up on University work as well. A day at home is a great way to finally catch up on work or other important things I usually avoid doing. I even like spending some of the time cleaning out my desk, wardrobe or dresser and reorganising things. This, I find, is an especially nice task if it is very cold outside and/or raining. I then don’t feel so guilty about spending the time in my room or at home in general.

Photo of the day

Self portrait
Mats Anda

Video of the day

Sunday

Quote of the day

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be
– Lao Tsu

Today I went to see Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them again. I just really like the music, the way Eddie Redmayne looks and Niffler and the magic. It’s very entertaining and I can’t wait for the other movies. I don’t know why I leave writing so late. I am tired and to be honest, not much exciting has happened today.

Photo of the day

Street Lights
Andrius

Video of the day