Thoughts of a 24 year old

What does a 24 year old, bi-racial, morbidly obese trans man think about on irregular intervals? Very often I fear being attacked out on the street. Hence, I hide in my room and rarely leave. I worry a lot, and stop myself from doing things.

That pretty much sums me up. I was going to be really negative in this post, but that’s not who I want to be anymore.

My thoughts today have skipped several beats, as they usually do. Usually circling around my plans for the day -staying positive, enjoying the weather, eating, getting things done; and imaginary things. I dream a lot, and like to lie on my bed, listening to music and dreaming of various worlds and people that don’t actually exist ands how they ¬†would deal with things.

I also think about what it’s like to lose weight. How does it feel knowing you’re losing weight? Do you go clothes shopping every time you drop a dress size?

I think about how it would feel like with a flat chest. Or how I’d look like with a beard, or what I’d do if I had more confidence, less weight and a peen between my legs. I imagine what I’d do with more confidence a lot. More often than not, those actions just stay in my dreams and I never actively try to work on my non-exsisting confidence and ridiculously low self esteem.

I’m currently quite tipsy. My tipsy self wants to google how to work on my confidence. I feel like dancing in the summers rain. Instead, though, I’m going to hide in my room and do nothing.

Video of the Day

Movie Review

Girls Trip

I finally managed to go and see Girls Trip (2017) and I feel inclined to review it. Not only is the movie filled with 99.9% black, all the main cast are black women, and the main guy is not really a main guy and only vaguely used as a plot device. The most important thing about this movie is friendship, and knowing your self worth. Not only is this movie absolutely hilarious -it had me crying because I was laughing so much. At the same time, its quite inspirational as well.

This is a comedy, so I did expect some laughs. It started off really high on the comedy scale, having everybody laughing with tears in their eyes pretty quickly. The movie managed to stay very strong comedy wise, which is usually very rare from the comedies I’ve seen. At some point, comedies usually get a quite dull, or just not very strong. The movie did deal with some very relatable and serious stuff, but that wasn’t made fun of. The serious topics gave the movie a great underlining plot-line, which works so well with everything else. I don’t really want to spoil what these topics are, so I shall just stick with “serious topics”. As I’ve already said tho, those topics are never part of the comedy, never made fun of and taken seriously. I always find it important that somebody’s struggles aren’t a tool for comedy, to make fun of a person or whatever, etc, if that makes sense (I hope it does). The serious stuff is there and relevant to the plot line, and lets the characters stick out as individual people, making them relatable and likeable. That and the aspect of comedy just work so well together, I’m struggling to put it into words. Comedy and friendship was at it’s core and never once failed to make the entire audience laugh hysterically. Even as people left the screen, they were laughing and had tears in their eyes. People had even clapped during the performance. It’s just such an amazing movie, so uplifting, strong, positive and so damn well made.

As I’ve already said, friendship is a key aspect of this movie, together with learning, knowing and accepting one’s own self worth. The movie concluded with preaching, in a way, that you should not let anybody else tell you you’re worth any less without them and that best friends are really important. I don’t really know how to put this into words. I was just very inspired by the way a certain thing was dealt with, and shed a few more tears because it spoke to me on so many levels (and to so many others, as well).

In a nutshell, never let any other person determine how much you are worth, don’t let anybody ever pull you down and manipulate you into thinking, that you’d be worth less without them. That ain’t true. And good, honest friends are difficult to find. Don’t lose your friends over anyone.

If I had to give this a rating out of 10, I think I’d give it a 14/10, it is just that good.

Photo of the Day

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Ryo Mukae

Video of the Day

Time is a Devil

I am actually not sure if time is the devil, or my laziness. I thought I had a routine. But apparently not. I’ll be focusing on daily blog posts again, to get into the routine of writing every day and being productive, using the time to get the most out of this blog.

Writing blog posts creates a feeling of productivity, which is weird. I only want to write posts for myself, which is also the only reason I want to do youtube videos. It’s all for myself. I feel like I achieve something on a personal note, beyond anything else. That probably doesn’t make any sense but it does for me.

Update

Tomorrow is my graduation, it’s looking very likely that I’ll be doing my masters, and I’m going to Japan for six nights in September, and I cannot contain my excitement!!

Photo of the Day

Untitled
Rob Shanghai

Video of the Day

My Three Pillars of Happiness

I recently decided to try really hard to be less materialistic and letting go of Heck of A Lot of things. For a while now, I’ve been wanting to focus on three main pillars that my Happiness is based on, but simply couldn’t narrow it down. Now, I finally managed to narrow down my list, and I feel comfortable and happy with what I have.

My Three Pillars of Happiness

My Family & Friends

Travelling

Harry Potter

Some might think that the first one is pretty obvious, but, out of experience, I am one of the lucky few who has an amazing relationship with their parent(s) and/or step-parent. I get on really well with my mum and my stepdad and know that I’m ridiculously lucky. The same kind of goes for my friends. I have amazing friends who I can talk to about anything and everything and they just put up with me and make me feel liked and loved as a friend. I never seem to get on their nerves, and they certainly never get on my nerves.

I realised that travelling is the second pillar, while travelling. While on holiday in Malaysia, I realised how happy travelling made me. Experiencing different cultures and food is exciting and always an adventure. Speaking to different people from all corners of the world is equally amazing. Coming home always felt like I was leaving happiness elsewhere. I’m really glad I finally, finally realised that travelling is my second pillar. It’s giving me a real aim to save money and made me realise how important travelling is to my mental health.

The third pillar of my happiness is Harry Potter. Harry Potter got me into reading books and makes me feel part of a community without having to fit into certain criteria regarding gender, skin colour or language. The world of Harry Potter has kept me alive for many years and always puts a smile on my face somehow.

Photo of the Day

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Ryo Mukae

Video of the Day

Three Things I learned at University

Now that my graduation is coming closer and closer, I thought it would be interesting to share three non-academic things I learned at University.

Three Things I learned

  1. Nothing is forever. Pain is temporary, you can get through whatever you have to get through and make the most of happy, memorable events.
  2. It’s not a bad thing to reach out to others. Asking for help is quite the opposite. Don’t ever hesitate to ask for help or to talk to somebody.
  3. I learned to push myself. Despite having GAD and Depression, I successfully managed to get through several presentations during my second and third year at University. Every presentation gave me more self esteem and confidence for the next one.

Bouns point:

4. Don’t wait around for others. Do things by yourself. If you’re scared of others judging you: they’re already judging you, so you might as well do whatever the hell you want.

Photo of the Day

Colorful
Philipp Haefeli

Video of the Day

Sunny Saturday

It is truly lovely weather outside. The sun is shining, it’s warm, and its a Saturday. Saturdays are usually my favourite day of the week, and I do enjoy the sun.

But recently I just haven’t been feeling myself. I think its a combination of Holiday blues and moving house. I can’t seem to get into the habit of writing anything, despite having many ideas. Is it too warm? Am I too preoccupied? Who knows, because I don’t.

I really hope this weird mood disappears soon so I can really figure out what to write about and what to film for my youtube channel.

Things I considered writing were book reviews and movie reviews. I watch heck of a lot of movies and when I do manage to read a book, I would enjoy reviewing it properly (instead of just in my mind).

I personally would love to review recent movies here on this blog, from a queer biracial point of view. Time to set some time aside for that! (And to remember to actually take some notes before and after?)

Quote of the Day

Shoot for the moon and if you miss you can still be among the stars -Les Brown

Photo of the Day

Malaysia
Martin Zurek

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Writing Challenge: Day 18

Day 18: Post 30 facts about yourself

  1. I love Harry Potter
  2. I’m a proud Ravenclaw
  3. I hate mushrooms
  4. I love travelling to Malaysia
  5. My favourite colour is blue
  6. I was born two months prematurely
  7. I have depression and general anxiety disorder
  8. I hate wearing a swimsuit
  9. But I love swimming
  10. I can’t remember ever being skinny
  11. When I was younger, I used to lie about what my favourite colour was. I just copied others
  12. I also used to lie about what I wanted to be when I grew up, and just copied other people
  13. I think I was about 13 when I thought about committing suicide for the first time
  14. I love the sea, but hate the feeling of stickiness after.
  15. I only really got into Photography, because a family friend once said I “had an eye for things” a few years ago. My stepdad had tried to get me into photography for years prior to this, but I wasn’t very interested until this moment.
  16. I started puberty when I was 9
  17. I was bullied for being the first person with a growing chest
  18. I was also called Gorilla at school, because of my skin colour
  19. My Granny left me a lovely doll. Her name is Sonya. She survived the bombings in Berlin
  20. I never thought I’d leave Germany. Now I can’t see myself ever moving back there
  21. Most of my friends are non-british. By “most” I mean all of my (few) friends.
  22. I used to ship Harry and Ron, Hermione and Draco.
  23. I also ship Harry with Cedric.
  24. Every summer, I promise I’ll lose weight before I go back to school/university. I usually just get fatter.
  25. I have brown eyes and black hair. In summer, some of my hair looks dark brown.
  26. I nearly had counselling once because of my suicidal tendencies, but we went on a family holiday instead.
  27. I have very fond memories of my childhood. Until puberty started. I then tuned all emotions out as best as I could.
  28. I once wanted a guitar so badly for Christmas, I got a new TV instead and nearly cried (I was such an ungrateful little shit, I hope nobody noticed. I hate myself for my materialistic selfish past)
  29. My favourite flowers are red roses.
  30. I love playing Harvest Moon games.

Photo of the day

See beautiful spot through the stone bricks
C Y

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30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 16

Day 16: Something that you miss

I miss being a child, and riding my bike everywhere. I used to hate riding my bike at times, when it was rainy or windy. But really, I miss it now.

Very often, wherever I went, I’d go there by bike. I miss that feeling in my legs, or the wind in my hair, or the sound of a bike. I’m not quite sure why I miss that. Maybe it’s the childhood memories. Everything was so innocent then, and I didn’t have any worries apart from my imaginary tea party.

Riding my bike as a kid is definitely something I miss.

Photo of the Day

Shallow water
Taavi Salakka

Videos of the Day

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 13

Day 13: What are you excited about?

I’m currently on holiday, but whilst scheduling this, I am VERY excited about the holiday. I can’t wait for the food, the (sandy) beach, the (warm) sea, and the wildlife. I just really love Malaysia. I also look forward to making plans with friends, and hope that some friends will be able to come over from Germany.

13 Things I am excited about on Holiday

I thought about doing a separate post for this, but it would be a shame to waste this opportunity to tell you some things I am excited about regarding my holiday in Malaysia

  1. Malaysia itself: Every time I visit Malaysia, it just feels like I’m going home.
  2. Food: The food in Malaysia is so delicious. I have not once had a bad meal. I can’t put it into words, quite how much I love the food in Malaysia. There, you can find so much different food: Malay, Chinese, Indian, and its all SO amazing.
  3. People: I also get excited to meet Malay people? They’re super nice and I just like being around people in Malaysia. They’re really friendly and kind.
  4. Photography: I actually really hope to try out Street Photography there. For some reason, nothing in the UK excites or inspires me. Hopefully, I am going to be inspired in Malaysia.
  5. Beach: I’m excited to sit on a sandy beach and enjoy the waves. I live by the seaside anyway, but a sandy beach in Malaysia is just that little bit more exciting and special to me.
  6. Pool: I actually really look forward to swimming in a pool? Pool, beach and Palm trees are like THE holiday aesthetics.
  7. Book & Beach/Pool: Weirdly, I also really look forward to reading a book either by the pool or by the beach, under some neat palm trees.
  8. Breakfast buffets: They’re amazing and diverse and just so good. I am going to eat ALL the food (apart from bread and the stuff that has very obviously got gluten in).
  9. Wildlife: The wildlife in Malaysia is amazing and I can’t wait to visit a nature reserve. There are also many geckos around, if I remember correctly. I love geckos, they’re super cute.
  10. Snorkelling: We’re going snorkelling, which I am super excited for. This kind of works with the last point. I love snorkelling in Malaysia. Once, I saw two baby sharks and they were adorable!
  11. Shopping: I used to get more excited about the shopping than I do now, since I am way too big to fit into any clothing there. But, I still enjoy the night markets there.
  12. Weirdly, even the flying there and travelling within Malaysia excites me. I’m scheduling this ahead of time, so I will probably feel differently about this at the time, but right now I am very excited about getting on a plane.
  13. Not being at Home: Just getting away from the usual surroundings is going to be amazing to relax and enjoy myself.

Photo of the Day

last train from the castle 2
Michael Marsh

Video of the Day

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FehOtOytxKU&w

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 12

Day 12: Write about five blessings in your life

  1. My first blessing has to go to my family, my lovely mum and my stepdad. They are both very supportive and loving and I just feel so blessed. I guess there are two blessings really. The fact I live with my family, even after coming out, and the fact that we have an amazing relationship.
  2. Honestly, I feel so blessed having the friends I have. They’re all so supportive, caring and such good friends. I haven’t lost any friends when I came out, and they’ve all just been great.
  3. Being able to go on holiday with my family. Not only are we going away together, but we’re also going quite far abroad. For as long as I can remember, my mum has always taken me on lovely and memorable holidays.
  4. Having money in my wallet, money in my savings account and money in my bank account is a HUGE blessing.
  5. Being able to have the education I have. My mental health has, fortunately, never stopped me from going to school, college or University. Now, I have finished 3 years at University, hopefully successfully and am applying to do my masters.

Photo of the Day

Untitled
Masashi Wakui

Video of the Day