Lets Talk: Books and Queer Stuff

Lets Talk: Books I don’t want to be read and why I don’t want to.

Based on Whitneys blog post and live tweets I wanted to read The Bronze Horseman by Paullina Simons, but I really do not want to spend money on this book. The more I think about it, I feel like I’m already spending too much time on this book. At the same time, I want to share her thoughts on that book, just to spread awareness. I’ve heard of this book several times, and thought about reading it myself. But then I saw Whitney tweeting about it, and read her post on it, that I really don’t want to. Whitney shows excerpts of the book, with highlighted texts to give proof of what she says. Personally, Whitney’s strong view, with the highlighted extracts she provides, is enough to put me off  buying/borrowing and reading this book.

Lets Talk: Queer Stuff

On Reddit, I found a really interesting article about five questions trans people may be scared of asking. I identified massively with these questions, finding myself asking myself all of them constantly.

Am I really sure of this? Is this really who I am? -Who I should be? What if I’ll regret transitioning? Will this really make me happy? What about my mum? My future?

Truth is, thinking about all of my doubts, I now actually think that I have a future, and deserve a future. More often than not (despite not often enough), I realise I do deserve happiness and the path I am on now is bringing me more happiness than any other path could. I’m still confused, and every day, I doubt myself and my choices so many times. At the same time, this feels right.

Word of the Day

のりかえる
norikaeru
transfer
Japanese verb

Phrase of the Day

“The instant you speak about a thing, you miss the mark.” ― Zen Proverb

Photo of the Day

Downtown Raymond
Dean Fuller

Video of the Day

Thoughts of a 24 year old

What does a 24 year old, bi-racial, morbidly obese trans man think about on irregular intervals? Very often I fear being attacked out on the street. Hence, I hide in my room and rarely leave. I worry a lot, and stop myself from doing things.

That pretty much sums me up. I was going to be really negative in this post, but that’s not who I want to be anymore.

My thoughts today have skipped several beats, as they usually do. Usually circling around my plans for the day -staying positive, enjoying the weather, eating, getting things done; and imaginary things. I dream a lot, and like to lie on my bed, listening to music and dreaming of various worlds and people that don’t actually exist ands how they  would deal with things.

I also think about what it’s like to lose weight. How does it feel knowing you’re losing weight? Do you go clothes shopping every time you drop a dress size?

I think about how it would feel like with a flat chest. Or how I’d look like with a beard, or what I’d do if I had more confidence, less weight and a peen between my legs. I imagine what I’d do with more confidence a lot. More often than not, those actions just stay in my dreams and I never actively try to work on my non-exsisting confidence and ridiculously low self esteem.

I’m currently quite tipsy. My tipsy self wants to google how to work on my confidence. I feel like dancing in the summers rain. Instead, though, I’m going to hide in my room and do nothing.

Video of the Day

Movie Review

Girls Trip

I finally managed to go and see Girls Trip (2017) and I feel inclined to review it. Not only is the movie filled with 99.9% black, all the main cast are black women, and the main guy is not really a main guy and only vaguely used as a plot device. The most important thing about this movie is friendship, and knowing your self worth. Not only is this movie absolutely hilarious -it had me crying because I was laughing so much. At the same time, its quite inspirational as well.

This is a comedy, so I did expect some laughs. It started off really high on the comedy scale, having everybody laughing with tears in their eyes pretty quickly. The movie managed to stay very strong comedy wise, which is usually very rare from the comedies I’ve seen. At some point, comedies usually get a quite dull, or just not very strong. The movie did deal with some very relatable and serious stuff, but that wasn’t made fun of. The serious topics gave the movie a great underlining plot-line, which works so well with everything else. I don’t really want to spoil what these topics are, so I shall just stick with “serious topics”. As I’ve already said tho, those topics are never part of the comedy, never made fun of and taken seriously. I always find it important that somebody’s struggles aren’t a tool for comedy, to make fun of a person or whatever, etc, if that makes sense (I hope it does). The serious stuff is there and relevant to the plot line, and lets the characters stick out as individual people, making them relatable and likeable. That and the aspect of comedy just work so well together, I’m struggling to put it into words. Comedy and friendship was at it’s core and never once failed to make the entire audience laugh hysterically. Even as people left the screen, they were laughing and had tears in their eyes. People had even clapped during the performance. It’s just such an amazing movie, so uplifting, strong, positive and so damn well made.

As I’ve already said, friendship is a key aspect of this movie, together with learning, knowing and accepting one’s own self worth. The movie concluded with preaching, in a way, that you should not let anybody else tell you you’re worth any less without them and that best friends are really important. I don’t really know how to put this into words. I was just very inspired by the way a certain thing was dealt with, and shed a few more tears because it spoke to me on so many levels (and to so many others, as well).

In a nutshell, never let any other person determine how much you are worth, don’t let anybody ever pull you down and manipulate you into thinking, that you’d be worth less without them. That ain’t true. And good, honest friends are difficult to find. Don’t lose your friends over anyone.

If I had to give this a rating out of 10, I think I’d give it a 14/10, it is just that good.

Photo of the Day

IMG_7875.jpg
Ryo Mukae

Video of the Day

August To-Be-Read

Reading List for August

North Korea: Undercover by John Sweeny
The Translation of Love by Lynne Kutsukake
Das geheime Vermächtnis des Pan by Sandra Regnier
Electra and other Plays by Sophocles
Top 10 Tokyo by DK Eyewitness Travel
Japan by Lonely Planet

Initial thoughts

Four of these are from the library, two of which are in preparation for my Japan trip in September. I know I can do a lot of research online, but sometimes it’s still nice to flick through a book. These also come with pull out maps, and I always enjoy looking at pull out maps.

I’ve already started reading The Translation of Love by Lynne Kutsukake, and so far I’m loving it a lot. I’m really enjoying the way it is written, and can’t wait to finish it. This is the first book I hope to finish really.

I also started reading Das geheime Vermächtnis des Pan by Sandra Regnier. I remember buying this years ago, and constantly trying to pick it up and read it, and every time I do pick it up to read it, I remember why I struggle to get into it. Naturally, it’s not aimed at my age group, but that usually doesn’t stop me from enjoying a book. The reason I picked this up, was because of elves and that kind of fantasy kind of theme. Even with the simple writing, I’d enjoy this book, and could be at least entertained by it. However, the main character never lets you forget how hot this one guy is, ever. Even when advertising the other two books in the series, there is this constant reminder that this guy is the hottest guy in London. It feels like Felicity reminds you of this every other sentence, just to reach a certain word count, and it just gets really boring.

Photo of the Day

New York City
Joerg Schubert

Video of the Day

Monday Madness: Why I’m glad I gave up Gluten

I have given up gluten for nearly two years, and I am really glad that I am. Recently, I have realised why I am glad that I gave up gluten.

After having given up Gluten for over a year (nearly two), I have come to realise what benefits I have actually noticed from not eating gluten for a significant amount of time. After the holiday in Malaysia, where I ate gluten, I have noticed a lot of changes I wasn’t necessarily aware of before hand.

One of the things I noticed pretty soon after I gave up gluten in the first place was that my skin was a lot better, I generally had more energy and my general feeling of wellbeing was better. I didn’t feel as tired, sluggish or as hungry.

Recently, after the holiday and a recent meal that included gluten, I noticed several other  things that I hadn’t realised before.

Let me clarify.

Apart from loss of energy, bad skin, rise in appetite, a feeling of sluggishness and tiredness beyond normality, I noticed I had symptoms of a cold.
These symptoms very often arise due to allergic reactions to foods. I was coughing and my head was hurting, but only for a brief period of time directly after I ate a meal of gluten and dairy. Before I officially gave up gluten last year, I remember constantly feeling like having a cold, without actually having a cold. I kept coughing, and having a weird headache. Both of this stopped as soon as I gave up gluten, and resurfaced when I ate gluten again.

I also have polycystic ovaries, and have heck of a lot of pain during That Week. This noticeably decreased when I stopped eating gluten, and resurfaced dramatically when I ate gluten again. My Shark Weeks since having given up gluten had been what most could consider normal, with very little pain. So it’s not like it was a odd month or two out of the norm. It had been 12+ (close to 20) months in a row with very little pain and discomfort. Nothing compared to the pain prior to giving up gluten, or the pain I have right now because of having eaten gluten for three weeks at the end of June.

Furthermore, I sleep better without eating gluten, eat more healthily and my mood is better. I myself have also noticed that my ADD(/ADHD), Aspergers, GAD and Depression are easier to deal with when I don’t eat gluten. Every little helps, as they say.

I just thought I’d put this out there. It’s just personally what I’ve experienced and I really felt like I should share. Maybe someone will read this and it’ll help them. Additionally, out of personal experience, doctors hesitate to mention giving up gluten helps with mental health a lot, since they’d rather prescribe tablets and stuff.

Anyway. I’m going to go curl up in a ball, hug a hot water bottle, and drink some tea.

Link of the Day

I somehow came across Recovery Letters from those who have struggled with different forms of Depression. I skim read one of them, which dragged me out of a little black whole. At the same time, I couldn’t read the whole letter, nor could I read any others out of fear they might trigger me. Despite this, the idea of having these letters of recovery to read, made me feel better, and a bit stronger.

Photo of the Day

London
Barnyz

Video of the Day

Time is a Devil

I am actually not sure if time is the devil, or my laziness. I thought I had a routine. But apparently not. I’ll be focusing on daily blog posts again, to get into the routine of writing every day and being productive, using the time to get the most out of this blog.

Writing blog posts creates a feeling of productivity, which is weird. I only want to write posts for myself, which is also the only reason I want to do youtube videos. It’s all for myself. I feel like I achieve something on a personal note, beyond anything else. That probably doesn’t make any sense but it does for me.

Update

Tomorrow is my graduation, it’s looking very likely that I’ll be doing my masters, and I’m going to Japan for six nights in September, and I cannot contain my excitement!!

Photo of the Day

Untitled
Rob Shanghai

Video of the Day

My Three Pillars of Happiness

I recently decided to try really hard to be less materialistic and letting go of Heck of A Lot of things. For a while now, I’ve been wanting to focus on three main pillars that my Happiness is based on, but simply couldn’t narrow it down. Now, I finally managed to narrow down my list, and I feel comfortable and happy with what I have.

My Three Pillars of Happiness

My Family & Friends

Travelling

Harry Potter

Some might think that the first one is pretty obvious, but, out of experience, I am one of the lucky few who has an amazing relationship with their parent(s) and/or step-parent. I get on really well with my mum and my stepdad and know that I’m ridiculously lucky. The same kind of goes for my friends. I have amazing friends who I can talk to about anything and everything and they just put up with me and make me feel liked and loved as a friend. I never seem to get on their nerves, and they certainly never get on my nerves.

I realised that travelling is the second pillar, while travelling. While on holiday in Malaysia, I realised how happy travelling made me. Experiencing different cultures and food is exciting and always an adventure. Speaking to different people from all corners of the world is equally amazing. Coming home always felt like I was leaving happiness elsewhere. I’m really glad I finally, finally realised that travelling is my second pillar. It’s giving me a real aim to save money and made me realise how important travelling is to my mental health.

The third pillar of my happiness is Harry Potter. Harry Potter got me into reading books and makes me feel part of a community without having to fit into certain criteria regarding gender, skin colour or language. The world of Harry Potter has kept me alive for many years and always puts a smile on my face somehow.

Photo of the Day

IMG_7754.jpg
Ryo Mukae

Video of the Day

5 Things about the UK

Five Things that are still weird to me in the UK

So these are five things that are still weird to me compared to Germany. They’re all just based on personal opinion.

  1. The fascination with Oak Furniture.
    – Just don’t get it. How? Why?
  2. The weird (small) houses.
    Like. I don’t think I will ever get used to a lot of the houses here?
  3. Their love for carpets (EVERYWHERE).
    I hate carpets. And I have been to places where there had even been carpets in the restroom. Its just so impractical?
  4. Thank You Cards for teachers.
    I get this one, but also not really? But then I do feel like this country loves their cards more than Germany.
  5. Many people learn Spanish and/or German. What about French?
    This is just something I personally noticed around me to be honest.

Bonus: Not being able to deal with (non-)significant weather changes. Heavy Rain, Snow, Strong(er) winds and suddenly there is chaos everywhere. Random leaves floating around always creates trains to be late and/or cancelled in autumn, too.

Photo of the Day

DSC02036msw
Ross Images

Video of the Day

Back into Reading & Book Reviews

Now, post holiday and post house move, I’m finally getting back into reading I’m finishing off some lose ends by finishing two books I started on holiday. Surprisingly, I had problems reading a lot while on holiday, without any clear reason really.

Books I have read

WeWe by Yevgeny Zamyatin

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I read this on my kindle and was immediately fascinated by the storyline. But the book didn’t captivate me at any point and struggled to keep up the momentum somewhat. I was interested by what would happen. At the same time, I wasn’t surprised by how it turned out.

I read this on holiday and I feel a bit off having had this as my holiday read. In hindsight I’m regretting having this as my holiday read, despite being glad that I read it.

Midnight MonologuesMidnight Monologues by Charissa Ong Ty

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I thoroughly enjoyed her poems and short stories. Many of the poems I found very relatable and spoke to me on a very personal level. At times, I even teared up. I picked this up on my way back home from holiday at an Airport, and I am so glad that I did.

So many of the poems, if not all of them, made me think a lot about myself. There’s some really deep stuff and it amazed me several times as to how deep some of the poetry actually was.

IntrusionIntrusion by Ken MacLeod

My rating: 1 of 5 stars

I really wanted to like this book, but alas. The female characters are flat and boring as heck. The whole novel could easily be summarised into one paragraph. Not even half way through the book I disliked all of the female characters. Personally I think that a cis man writing a book with a pregnant woman and this “fix” explains why the female characters are so boring and not even vaguely stereotypical.

I just feel really frustrated and somewhat disappointed by this book.

View all my reviews

Photo of the Day

City Pride
John Herbert

Video of the Day

Three Things I learned at University

Now that my graduation is coming closer and closer, I thought it would be interesting to share three non-academic things I learned at University.

Three Things I learned

  1. Nothing is forever. Pain is temporary, you can get through whatever you have to get through and make the most of happy, memorable events.
  2. It’s not a bad thing to reach out to others. Asking for help is quite the opposite. Don’t ever hesitate to ask for help or to talk to somebody.
  3. I learned to push myself. Despite having GAD and Depression, I successfully managed to get through several presentations during my second and third year at University. Every presentation gave me more self esteem and confidence for the next one.

Bouns point:

4. Don’t wait around for others. Do things by yourself. If you’re scared of others judging you: they’re already judging you, so you might as well do whatever the hell you want.

Photo of the Day

Colorful
Philipp Haefeli

Video of the Day