Reflection & Preparation

Reflection on the past week

Getting into the habit of making the most of my time, I take the end of the week to reflect and prepare for the following week.

In the past week, I finished my dissertation and handed it in. After that, I spent far too many days taking care of myself, instead of working on my last essay. This is leaving me with a lot of work for the following week.

Generally, the week has had some ups and downs emotion wise. During my group therapy, I kept disassociating. I haven’t disassociated for a while.

Preparation for the following week

For the following days, I have found quite a bit of reading for my last essay. After group therapy on Wednesday, I have a friend coming to my place, which I am looking forward to. This means I have to tidy up my room as well. Both are good things, even though I am not looking forward to cleaning.

By Thursday evening, I hope to have finished my last essay. Hopefully, I can push myself to leave my room more frequently to enjoy the nice weather and be physically active beyond walking dogs. I miss sitting by the sea. Over the next weekend, I’m going to try to get to the beach and enjoy the sea.

Poem of the day

Love After Love

By Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/love-after-love-by-derek-walcott

Photo of the day

Soft Sunset Rocks
Andrew Morse
Night food market, Taipei
Reinier Snijders


Video of the week

Inspiration

Since I’m on my last essay of the year, and my last essay of my degree if I pass, I thought I’d write a bit about inspiration.

Inspiration to start Youtube myself

I actually got inspired to upload youtube videos by all the vlogs I watch. Even though I am struggling on what to film, editing videos and actually uploading some, I do hope to come up with a routine soon. Some of my favourite people on youtube are actually Sharla, Taylor and Mimei. Noticeably, the people I watch the most are in Japan.

Inspiration to start writing

Harry Potter, what a surprise. And, weirdly, dreams. Some of my dreams inspire me to write and turn the dream into an idea suitable for a novel. So far, I have yet to finish anything, but I think the ideas I have are good. I also try journalling, just to keep writing. Daily life, I think, can be a huge inspiration for novels.

Inspiration to start studying at University

At University, I study English Language and Linguistics. I actually graduate in July.

I kind of fell into studying English Language at college when I moved to the UK, because I thought I hadn’t read enough classics to study English Literature. Growing up bilingual, I thought I might as well try English Language. That led me to studying English language and linguistics. At times I have regretted studying a dual course, instead of just focusing on English Language. But I survived three years of doing it so I guess it’s all good.

Word of the day

Moggy

British informal noun, and it means a cat

Poem of the day

If

By Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/if-by-rudyard-kipling

Photos of the day

Umhlanga II
C D
New York City
Joerg Schubert

Videos of the day

Entertainment Friday

I think today I had a huge share of my main kinds of entertainment. Youtube videos, Netflix, reading a book, going to the cinema. This morning was filled with watching youtube videos, stuff on Netflix (I can’t ever settle on just the one thing), and finishing a book. In the afternoon, I went to see King Arthur: Legend of the Sword.

The movie was, quite frankly and in my personal view, quite amazing. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to see it in 3D, but I’m pretty sure that would’ve been pretty stunning. I loved the cinematography, and the music especially.

Moving to some other entertainment, I’ve summed up my views very briefly on the book I finished today. I haven’t settled on what to read next. The obvious choice is the next book in the series. However, I picked up another book the other day, which I am also very desperate to read. Maybe I’ll read both at the same time, who knows.

Book Review

Fear (Gone, #5)Fear by Michael Grant

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

After many days of not picking this up, I read most of it within 48 hours. I just want to know what happens, and how. Always keeps you reading, there’s always something you expect, but also don’t expect if that makes sense.

For me, none of the characters seem relatable at all. That’s not why I’m reading these books (luckily). The story is quite gripping, making the characters more interesting in how they’re dealing with the situations they face. There is also not really that One character that I particularly like, but quite a bunch of them share equal love.

View all my reviews

Photos of the day

Fly Away
Jon Herbert
Outside my House 14/05/2017
Matthew Dartford
New York City
Jorg Schubert

Videos of the day

Cinema Day & Screen Time

Today was cinema day! Went to see the new Alien movie and really enjoyed it. It was a really good movie and the first Alien movie I’ve ever seen. Can’t wait to watch the other ones!

I’m also working on spending less time attached to screens again. I lost track of this goal for a while and now I’m working towards spending less time on my phone, laptop and in front of the TV.

I know this is super short. When I have more time and energy I will write and prepare some nice and positive posts about letting go of a lot of things while also gaining a lot.

Photos of the day

Charleston rooftop
Summer Buck
Hong Kong streets
Reinier

Videos of the day

Thursday: Deadlines coming in thick and fast.

Today is actually the official deadline for my dissertation. My other essay would be due on the 22nd. But I got an extension for both essays, which is why I am allowing myself to write this today and take the evening off. I’m actually really proud of myself that a copying strategy now is to panic-send emails to tutors asking for help. I guess I’m also quite lucky because not only do they respond super quickly, but they usually also agree to help me out a little bit.

It’s the time of year where the library and university in general is filled with students, staring blankly at a screen trying to type away on work. Every year around this time it feels like students just meet up in the library to collectively dye together.

Even though I took the evening off, I feel exhausted. I wish I could offer some advice right now, but honestly, my mind is empty as fuck.

Don’t give up. You can get through this. This is just temporary. Drink some tea, have a break.

Poem of the day

When sorry feels like nothing
& you know it is not enough
but you also don’t know
what else you could say.

When sorry feels like nothing
& you know you f*cked up
but you also don’t know
how to talk to them again.

When sorry feels like nothing
& you know it has come to an end
but you also don’t know
if this is really actually the end.

When sorry feels like nothing
& you know its probably best to stay away
but you also don’t know
how to really let go of this friendship

When sorry feels like nothing
& you know it cannot be fixed
but it just makes saying goodbye
that little bit harder for you

When sorry feels like nothing
& you know theres nothing you can do
but secretly you just hope they know
that they were a good friend to you.

-Ciaran Jefferson (me; I know its rubbish… )

Photo of the day

We've seen these things
Markus Klotz
"Cored"
Zach Roberts

Video of the day

Emotional Day

After a very late start to yesterday, I broke down emotionally. Anxiety, fear and all those feelings took over and I just couldn’t function anymore. I tried to carry on with my work, but I couldn’t stop crying. That afternoon had been quite emotional. Trying to watch youtube videos or shows on Netflix hadn’t worked as a distraction. So I knew I just had to step away from my MacBook. I decided to completely leave my room, have a bath and finish a book. Although I was still shaken, I had calmed down significantly, and made significant progress with my work.

In a nutshell, the advice I have to give is that sometimes it is really necessary to completely leave a situation. For your own sanity, just leave the room, and go to a safe space, even if that means going to a particular person. They might not be able to help immediately, but by just being there they can really help.

At the same time, don’t forget to find whatever works for you. This can vary from having a shower, or watching a show, to taking a walk or just to allowing yourself to cry and scream.

The book I spontaneously finished to day is this one:

Plague (Gone, #4)Plague by Michael Grant

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

It took me for ever and a day to finally finish this. I’m so glad I can finally move on in the series.

Even though I kept reading other things, this series so far always knows how to keep me on my feet and to keep me reading. It tears on so many emotional strings, too.

View all my reviews

Photo of the day

the fisherman's return
Michael Marsh
Crown of Shanghai
Rob-Shanghai

Videos of the day

Lets Talk: Morning Routines

Today I thought I’d share my very average and boring morning routine. Even though it seems very average to talk about, it is a solid part of my day and can determine how easily I get started on doing work. It’s something I’m still tweaking on, so I’m just gonna share what kind of routine I have already and what I’d like to add and change.

When getting up, I usually take my thyroid meds, go for a shower, get dressed, have breakfast, brush teeth and then I’m pretty much ready. Depending on what I’m doing that day, I’ll put in contact lenses, choose earrings and a necklace perhaps and maybe put on some make up if I feel like it. Sometimes, even if I’m not really going anywhere to meet anybody, I’ll still wear earrings because it makes me feel that little bit better. After breakfast, its not just time to brush my teeth but also to take my meds for my ADD/ADHD. They really help me focus on things and get work done.

Having a wash, washing my hair and all that good stuff really feels like a good start to the day. This also helps me into taking care of myself. Getting out of bed is often difficult enough, never mind having a shower, brushing hair and teeth. But I’m somewhat a slut for a regular routine so I often do manage to get out of bed and have a shower.

I don’t care much for lunch or generally anything between breakfast and dinner most of the time. I do tend to have a good breakfast to keep me going for the day. Usually I go off to walk the dogs or go off to where ever I have to be. If I’m just going to be at home to get on with things, I’ll spend some time procrastinating on social media and Netflix.

Compared to Germany, the morning routines I have here seem a lot more relaxed than there generally. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m dealing with things differently now or anything, but in Germany everything felt hectic and stressed, especially during the week when I had to go to school or college. Mornings began very early and usually they were rushed, as well. Trying to get dressed, and ready as quickly as possible to get that one only bus that goes to town is quite stressful. Very often I’d skip breakfast, just because I preferred to sleep a bit longer and then ran out of time to eat. I wouldn’t even have anything for school or college, purely because I couldn’t be bothered to carry anything with me, or even to prepare it. Now, even when I have to leave early, I try to at least have a water bottle in my bag and something in my stomach, even if it’s just a banana.

Photo of the Day

Ningde Yangjia Stream, Xiapu, China / 霞浦,楊家溪
TOONMAN_blchin
Regreso al paraíso (Explore)
Rosa Cantorna
Rising
Jordan Esser

Videos of the Day

Bursts of Excitement

As much as I have massive waves of anxiety and panic, I also have huge bursts of excitement. I am thoroughly enjoying these bursts of excitement and they generally help me dealing with anxiety.

I am officially getting really excited for the holiday to Malaysia in June. The feeling of excitements come in bursts. It’ll be my fourth time travelling there. Every time I go, I feel like I am going home. I have started planning on what to pack, and what to take with me in my hand luggage. I have even thought about what books to download on my kindle to read while travelling. But at the moment, it is all just excitement. I still need to focus on my Dissertation and essay for University before I start packing.
As much as I have irregular waves of panic an anxiety, knowing I will be going on holiday in June helps tackle my fear of sitting down and writing. The bursts of excitements give me bursts of energy and positivity I desperately hold on to and utilise to do as much as I can push myself to do without collapsing.

Apart from stressing over my dissertation, I’m watching Sense8 Season 2.  I am absolutely loving it so far and I don’t want it to end. I got really excited when I finally caught up on the fact that new episodes had finally been added to Netflix.

Also watching One Piece again. Watching One Piece is bringing up a lot of memories growing up and I fell in love with it all over again. I’m only on episode 103 though, so I have a long way to go to be up to date. I love all the anime I used to watch when growing up. Next to One Piece, I’d watch Detective Conan and Inu Yasha for example.

Photos of the day

Streets of New York
Reinier Snijders
Redhill Residences
Jon Chiang

Videos of the day

Saturday

Hey

Just gonna leave this here

Tonight is difficult. But keeping strong with Season 2 of Sense8! Had quite a bit planned today. Something literary based and something fun. But I left it too late, and now my mood has gone down hill.

Today I enjoyed two long walks, which was lovely. I’ve been productive on my uni work and rid myself of some notebooks I’ve never used. After decisions made yesterday, and last week, I feel a lot better. Deciding to letting go is one thing, but finally letting go for real is something else. I’ve started to really let go of people and things and that alone has had a huge impact on how I deal with things. Even with my low mood now, dealing with it seems more manageable.

Anyway, before I start drifting off or anything. Time to relax and wind down somehow.

Photo of the day

Tram running through night market
C Y

Video of the day

Always on the move

In the past few days I’ve unintentionally spent a bit of time on buses, trains and in cars, being constantly on the move. I never really noticed how much time I spend moving around in transportation until recently.

Furthermore, I have only now really realised how much I need to work on myself, and  I had to lose at least one person in my life completely while the other is keeping zir distance.

I don’t know how successful I’m going to be, but I’ve decided to rid myself of a lot of materialistic items, and to focus on four main things that are most important to me. By doing so I hope to become a better person and work on my character flaws.

My aim is to focus on creativity,  loved ones, health and travel. Creativity includes photography, reading and writing, while loved ones includes family and friends. Health covers both my physical and my mental health. Travel doesn’t just include going on holidays overseas, but also the little journeys we take each day. Over time, I hope to again reduce these main things to something simpler. I have no idea how this journey will go. But I’m going to try. I kinda nicknamed this project Lost and Found.

Photos of the day

Grazing
Mick Houghton
Nostalgia
C D
Taiwan
ogino.taro

Video of the day