Honestly, this is the third day in a row I tried to be productive and write a post.
I tried to read three books this month, to make up for missing out on march. However I struggled with that a lot, so To the Lighthouse is pretty much the only book I actually read in April so far.
Tonight, I feel quite positive about things weirdly. Evenings are usually the toughest times. But I guess, with group therapy earlier today, I got the peak anxiety and depressive mood out early.
The first thing I loved about this book, and particularly this edition, was its cover. The cover is what immediately drew me to this book and basically the reason I got it. Usually, I don’t go by the cover. I just go by the blurb on the back, what I know about the book, etc. But for some reason, this cover alone convinced me that it was a good idea to buy it. So I did, and I read it. I found the writing quite poetic, which made me love it even more. All in all a quite amazing read.
I haven’t been to the cinema in like two weeks, and I finally went to see Their Finest today. The trip to the cinema was spontaneous, and I actually couldn’t remember the trailer to this movie. All I could really remember is that I wanted to see it. It wasn’t until I was on my way there, that I remembered, vaguely, what the movie is about.
My first thoughts on the movie I’m going to tell you. Bare in mind, that, to form a really good opinion of this movie, I would probably have to see it several times and wait a few days to soak it all up. Please, don’t hesitate to go and see it yourself (for those kind few who are reading this). Apart from lacking diversity (to be honest, I never really expect anything less, as sad as that sounds), I actually quite enjoyed the movie. It made me laugh, it made me cry and it just generally felt like a well rounded movie. Good characters, good story line. Everything just kind of worked well together. It has definitely made an impression on me, a good one that is.
Now, its back to reading, writing, and the other things I am going to get distracted with. Music, dishes, social media. The usual stuff. I can really tell my ADHD/ADD medication working again -I forgot to take them for about a week. In times like these, I really appreciate them, as they help me bucket loads to focus and get working. Even if I get distracted, it is easier to rail me back into a frame of mind which pushes me to do some productive work, and not just waste hours on tumblr, twitter and facebook.
I think I have managed to drag myself out of a reading slump for now. In the next few days, I will probably binge read a bunch of books, and then fall back into a slump again, no matter what. To celebrate this brief period of reading again, I may have written a few lines on the books I have finished. I’m no good at writing reviews, nor am I very good at writing anything to be honest. If I don’t practice, however, nothing will change.
I honestly struggled for so long to finish any of these, even the poetry books. So I am so glad I finally finished reading these.
I decided not to go to the cinema today, purely because of the logistics of leaving the dogs home alone. I’m thinking about going tomorrow, but I’m worrying about the dogs again. Hence, I may change my mind tomorrow and just go another day. Perhaps tuesday.
At first, I really struggled to get into this. It felt like it had a really slow start, unless it was just personal stuff that held me back from reading in general.
But I did quite enjoy reading this, and I’m still really glad I picked up this series. I only wanted to read it, after seeing the movie and noticing massive loop holes (then overhearing somebody saying they tried squeezing three books into one movie -and, quite frankly, failed). Before the movie, I had seen the books, but never seemed very interested. Now, I can’t wait to read the last book, to see how the characters get on. I know I’m way above the age it is aimed at, but I do enjoy the characters, and the story line quite a bit. A very enjoyable read.
I really enjoyed this, and the haiku. This really helped me focus on small details in life, that I don’t have to wait for something grand to happen, but that I can simply enjoy the simple things in life. View all my reviews
To be fair, I every other poem at some point. I picked this poetry book, to have some diversity in what I read, the same reason as to why I read The Narrow Road to the Deep North and Other Travel Sketches by Bashō Matsuo. As expected, this gave me a new and different insight to poetry, a different kind of style and topic area to find something to write about. Similar to Matsuo, Wheatley writes about events I had not really considered writing about.
I love Lyalls’ poetry heck of a lot. It’s very relatable to me, entertaining in a way and I just really loved reading the poems. They’re the kind of poetry I aim to write, and a lovely contrast to the poetry I have read earlier today.
Reading this, after reading the other poetry books, has been a lovely conclusion to my poetry readings for today. It was also very short, similar to the poems themselves, which was really quite nice. The style is very different, and so are the topics. So it was a very delightful change to the previous stuff I have read today. I’m starting to repeat myself now, oops!
Anyway, I think I picked this up at University, at a free book sharing kind of thing hoping to read more poetry. So far, finally, I have succeed in achieving that goal of 2017. It’s only been three poetry books so far, but it’s only April. Furthermore, its three more poetry books than before!
Went to Brighton today, and visited the Pier again. I enjoy visiting the pier and being by the sea. It is very calming and a nice feeling, especially with the sun around. I treated myself to To The Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf. I was looking for Intrusion by Ken Macleod, but I couldn’t find it in Waterstones. Instead, I was drawn to a Yann Martel book which I found, and was initially drawn to. I was also drawn to by a poetry collection by Goethe. But, at the last-minute I decided against Ghoete and Martel. This sounds really cheesy, but I literally was drawn towards this book because of the cover, read the blurb and was suspicious, in a positive way. I look forward to reading this. I am struggeling hugely to read outside of what I have to read for my dissertation. I don’t want to wait until I am finished with University, because I know I will slip further in a hole -that kind of hole you slip into once all your exams, essays and deadlines are done and it is summer. I usually suddenly find myself with nothing really to do, nothing to focus on and nothing to panic over and all that is left is a void. The chances of me reading then are even less. But I really want to.
Am I being lazy, or is it my depression? Am I the only one like this? I don’t know. I really don’t know. It definitely feels like I am just being super lazy and that I am alone with this.
Word of the day
verb: mesmerize; 3rd person present: mesmerizes; past tense: mesmerized; past participle: mesmerized; gerund or present participle: mesmerizing; verb: mesmerise; 3rd person present: mesmerises; past tense: mesmerised; past participle: mesmerised; gerund or present participle: mesmerising
capture the complete attention of (someone); transfix.
“they were mesmerized by his story”
“he was mesmerized when at the point of death”
Poems of the day
“Hello,” I say
on some random day
months ago, I can’t remember when.
I felt young again, like I was ten.
But that feeling did not last at all
The happiness began to sink, began to fall.
I wonder why, am I that difficult.
“Good bye,” I think
and let my heart sink.
It is officially over, forever.
Will we ever again see each other? Probably never
That’s a good thing,
I feel so much lighter, like I could sing.
Or is that my anti depressant finally kicking in
Love and Admiration
Replace “love” with “admire” and
write it in sand.
Memories last longer
and make me stronger.
But the writing is now gone
And so is my love for you.
Something is still bugging me. Even though I promised my best friend to shut up about it, to let it go and just be selfish and focus on myself to be a better and more awesome version of myself, I feel like I need to yell about a certain thing.
As noted in a quite recent post, I am now single. The aftereffects of breaking up, has actually left me feel relieved. I knew it was going to happen since the beginning of March, distantly hoped the relationship could’ve been saved – even though I really knew it couldn’t. Looking back, I realise I would never be able to give that person the support they need. What has been done, has been done. No matter how many times I apologise, it’s not going to change.
The precise thoughts I want to vent, since no longer speaking a single word to that person, are the following.
Yes, I let my emotions out, even though I knew it was going to happen sooner than later. I feel like I had a right to do that to a point. Or not? Can anybody really scold me for reacting emotionally? I care(d) for you, no matter what. But I have felt like I’m not allowed to be emotional.
I thought about saying something along the lines of our variations of truth may differ but I think that would be a blow below the belt and really not necessary.
To be honest, I feel relieved that we are no longer dating. I have started doing exercises. Partly because I felt upset about you being so desperate to lose weight, knowing that I am morbidly obese myself. This, at the same time raised the question of “did you really love me/what did you see in me?” But mostly, I started swapping exercises with self harm. The smallest exercises is leaving my muscles aching, doing the exercises distracts me from the thoughts, while at the same time making myself feel better about things, and doing things for myself. I really feel relieved. I’m being selfish. More obviously selfish, to take care of myself. If I have been rude or selfish towards anybody, I am sorry. I hope you can point this out and tell me, so I may rectify my behaviour towards other people, especially those closest to me. “Staying friends” was mentioned by you. Like that was really ever going to happen. I knew it wouldn’t, before I messed up. I would’ve felt worse, for longer, not being able to let go.
Instead of wallowing in sorrows, I’m desperately trying to pick myself up. The thoughts of being worthless, ugly, not worth of love or any positive attention have always been there and aren’t anything new. But I am not letting this situation get at me. I know I am the difficult one. The unwanted one. But I knew that before I knew you.
On a positive note, I’ve been keeping up with my exercises since monday and I feel really good about them so far. I’m enjoying my euphoric moments, which are lasting longer than my down periods. I also learned something about buddhism today, which got me excited and more motivated to learn more. Right now, I am actually really looking forward to go to bed, but I really need to get some reading done beforehand. I’ll feel better after doing some more reading tho, so I look forward to that. Knowing that I’ll feel better afterwards spurs me on to do more work. Today anyway.
Today, I saw The Boss Baby. This so happened to be the only movie on at a time I could make it to the cinema, and the only other movie I still fancied seeing that was still running. To be honest, I actually looked forward to seeing this movie, even though its a smol children’s movie.
I looked forward to seeing it, as the trailer looked very amusing. I did laugh and was quite amused by this movie actually, and would definitely recommend seeing it on a rainy day. It does deal with the sense of having another child/an only child suddenly having a sibling.
I don’t have any personal experience on this topic, not as a parent nor as a child. Hence, I don’t, and quite frankly can’t, talk about how triggering that aspect of the movie is (or anything like that).
Thing of the day
The thing of today is actually some writing advice. I struggle a lot to write anything, but this advice seemed really helpful.
Word of the day
Definition: Pertaining to connected with or dependent upon both mechanics and chemistry said especially of those sciences which treat of such phenomena as seem to depend on the laws both of mechanics and chemistry as electricity and magnetism
The sun is shining, and I’ve got hold of my emotions again.
Xe has me now blocked on twitter because of my bullshit. This is actually helping me massively closing off this chapter in my life and focusing on other things. I was worried about what they’d be saying about me, but whatever they are saying about me -their opinions are valid. Additionally, none of xir friends are mine apart from one, those who are my friends are still my friends and that is all that should matter to me. I’m sad that I messed up, and that it ended the way it did. But no apology or excuse can even vaguely fix the screw ups, so there is no point in crying over spilled milk.
Now I think its the best time for me to fall head first into my dissertation work. I’m so far behind, honestly, how did I manage to get through 2 1/2 years of University. Anyway.
Going through massive shoves of positivity. The weather outside is definitely helping. I’ve done all my goals today, and can finally send some things off tomorrow. Tomorrow is also cinema day, so I look forward to that. But fun fact, I still haven’t written any fic or poetry, still haven’t read today. Before I go to bed, I won’t write anything. To wind down, though, I will read some pages.
I ended up editing a photo and journaling a little bit, oops.
Quote of the day
“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.”
— Helen Keller
Word of the day
Definition: A tense in the Greek language which expresses an action as completed in past time but leaves it in other respects wholly indeterminate
This was going to start off as a post about me struggling with everything and anything, especially creativity. Every time I want to write something, I just don’t feel it. I struggle so much to read and get anything done. Am I being lazy? Is it something else? I’m not sure. Can I fix it somehow? No idea. Am I worth fixing it? Who knows, not me.
Also, turns out, I am now single but my ex bf is still with xir’s datefriend. So this is going to end up being somewhat of a public post about how I feel.
I genuinely hope they are happy together. I nearly posted an angry post about how I felt. But that’s not the kind of person I am or want to be. I am there for them if they need me, no matter what. And this pain I am feeling is temporary.
This pain is temporary. This pain is temporary. This pain is temporary. This pain is temporary.This pain is temporary. This pain is temporary. This pain is temporary. This pain is temporary. This pain is temporary. This pain is temporary. This pain is temporary. This pain is temporary. This pain is temporary. This pain is temporary.
Telling myself this over and over again is actually stopping my weeping and is helping me rationalise what I am writing, instead of impulsively shooting off things that will have a lasting, negative effect if anybody is reading this.
Maybe this will turn into some kind of poetry or other writing, now that I can stop worrying and overthinking my very short relationship. We live and we learn. Time to get up and carry on-
I spent all day watching 13 Reasons why, listening to music, and starting another TV show on Netflix. In between, I have tried to be somewhat productive. Now, I am tired from being tired. Yet, I am glad about today. Several times I nearly had jealousy and hatred fill me up again, but I managed to simmer it down and not react too much to it. I was going to write about nostalgia today, how I miss riding my bike past fields on country lanes in the sun, or the sound a bike makes, or quiet german streets, the smell of freshly baked bread and living so close to school I could walk. But alas, the inspiration and energy has left my finger tips.
Oh, and there are trigger warnings for 13 Reasons Why, in regards to sexual assault, rape and suicide. So be aware, and keep safe.
Things of the day
The things I want to share today are the nostalgia machine and the kpop machine, which I found through stumbleupon.com. Stumbleupon.com is a great site to find new and fun stuff, but most of ya’ll probably knew that already. I constantly forget and rediscover it, and it keeps me entertained for a long time (usually).
Quote of the day
To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.
– Buddha (x)
Luckily, today wasn’t like some Sundays. Staying in my room all day, watching crappy TV and barely doing any work, with grey clouds covering the sky outside. Today, the weather was very pleasant and spring like. I got some work done, which I am very pleased with, and focused my attention on things I enjoy watching, instead of having the TV on unnecessarily.
Outside, the flowers in the garden are coming up, leaves are blooming and I’m increasingly filled with positivity and strength. Yet, something is still massively holding me back, chewing away on everything and anything. I cannot put my finger on what exactly it is, hence I don’t know what to fix or how to fix it.
Thing of the day
So I just found Peach Milky’S YouTube channels and WordPress blog, and thought I could maybe add this kind of feature to my posts. I struggle a lot to write posts, and to find inspiration. Perhaps, if I actively read or look for something to share, it will get me writing. Even now I’m just talking a lot of hot air, but it looks like I have a lot to say. In fact, all I want to share is this link.
Poem of the day
Weeks have passed away
I wish I could stay
But in these circumstances today
It is probably best if I just go away
I have dug my own grave
Fallen a slave
To anger, jealousy, and hatred towards nothing
I want to apologise
For the demise
Of what we had built together.
But it won’t be the same again, ever.
I still want to say so many things.
But alas, I have failed you.
-by Ciarán Jefferson
Quote of the day
One thing I know, that I know nothing. This is the source of my wisdom.