Missed Topic Opportunities

Twice in the past five days I had beautiful topics to talk about.

A-level results Day. And World Photography Day.

A-level results day

But I didn’t. But I feel like I should say something to A-levels, going to college/university, future plans, etc.

Whatever you plan on doing now, it will not last. If you feel horrible because you didn’t get into where you wanted to get into, or didn’t get the grades  you wanted -you’re young and have all the time in the world to do it all.

Who says you have to everything when you’re young? Take a deep breath and see what you want to do right now. Wanna try to get what you wanted right now? Go ahead, I believe in you.

You wanna take a break, find something you really wanna do, or focus on something you really want to do? Do that. Go travel for a few months or a year. Thing is. You’re not missing out, you’re not stupid. You are awesome, clever and strong. Celebrate individuality and stop testing a fish’s ability to climb a tree.

There are other ways and means to get to where you want to be and on other paths you might find out other things about yourself and/or the world, you might chop and change things as you go along and that is totally fine. You wanna do literature now? Great. You also want to do sciences and got knows what else, but want to focus on literature right now and don’t actually know what to focus on? Focus on one thing now, like literature. See where that takes you. Then add science, and whatever else.

I’m studying English Language and Linguistics now. I still want to do literature and I’m really interested in Photography. Only because I’m doing the one thing right now, doesn’t mean I can’t do the other things at some point too. Later, that might change. Just like language, humans always change. It’d be weird if we didn’t. Please don’t panic. You’re doing great.

If you just wanna speak about it, do leave a message? Sometimes even just that helps, putting it all down into words, even though you can’t find the words. Tell me that, if you’re really anxious and panicky, about anything even, doesn’t have to be about school/college/university. I’m not perfect, by  any means, but I’m a good listener.

World Photo Day

Since most of my photos aren’t online yet, I thought for this part I could just… share my favourite photographers.

The first one that comes to mind without particular reason is Ansel Adams. Especially MT. MCKINLEY AND WONDER LAKE is absolutely amazing.


I also absolutely love Japanese Street Photography (example: here) Furthermore, I really like the photos from Takashi Yasui, such as this one:


There are two different interests in Photography, conflicting in fact, but I really love landscape photography and street photography.

Additionally, Crystal Ball Photography is amazing to me. These photos are by Andrius Aleksandravičius and his Crystal Ball Project.

Winter | GlassBallProject After Sunset | Glass Ball Project

Anoter amazing Project is the Little People project. I think the whole idea is really creative and an idea I would like take on board.



I think I’m gonna leave it there haha.

Have a good weekend!



I started catching up on some vidoes last night. I can’t ever focus on just one thing, so just watching Finding Carter isn’t quite enough. Not even half way through I had a huge desire to put on music and just before the end I paused the TV to watch YouTube videos. I hugely blame my ADD for that. It’s a habit I still have to break.

Above are some of the many videos I watched. I love sharing them haha.

I slept in today, went to the beach for a bit and went back to the cinema again to watch Pete’s Dragon. Sometimes I plan on watching a movie, but never do, so I try to watch them as quickly as possible -especially in summer.

Otherwise I have been keeping busy doing nothing much. Been thinking of Merilin a bit, it’s her birthday today. Another friend’s dog died today so I’ve been really upset about that.

Furthermore, my aim before I start Uni again in October is to update my flickr page. To remind myself, I’ll share some of what is on it already.


I think that’ll be it for today. Finishing today off with an episode of Stranger Things.


Friday Blues

Today started off really rocky. I felt horrible. Then I made the clever decision to leave the house with my family to go into town.

The Airshow in Eastbourne is on and we got to see some of the planes do some stunts, which was pretty great. I never seem to think the Airshow is special until I get to the seafront and suddenly, I have a huge urge to take photos of planes and take videos of them doing stunts. Next time, I’ll take my DSLR with me.
In town, I also walked passed a Christmas shop, which annoyed me. The earlier I see Christmas stuff, the more it kind of ruins it for me. We don’t really celebrate Christmas since I turned 18, but I have very fond memories. But seeing Christmas stuff too early, really ruins it. It takes away the fun, the Christmas feeling.
This Afternoon, I also went to see BFG at the cinema. It made me laugh and feel better, so that was good. It was fuller than I had expected, but at the same time, I wasn’t too surprised.
The Evening has been weirdly filled with figuring out where everybody is sleeping, reorganising furniture, and the arrival of another foster child. Dinner was late, but yummy. Now, I’m calming down with a mixture of music and Finding Carter.
I don’t know what tomorrow brings. A new day, a new start. I haven’t practised Japanese today, nor have I drunk enough water if I am honest. However, I have been working on some characters for a book. So. Yay.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

I think I can hear somebody vomit outside my window. Omg. Eww.


Low Time

As much as I always hope I’ll have a fully planned day and being busy most of the time, it’s never really actually the case. I got up later than expected, but I still puzzled a bit over breakfast (I love puzzles more than I realised!) and remembered to take all my meds.

But as expected, my good mood from yesterday didn’t last and has plummeted down hill again. So far, not even Harry’s Wondrous World (Chamber of Secrets Version) isn’t lighting my mood. I did do my Japanese practices for today. Apart from the usual, there hasn’t been much productivity today and I’m really not feeling great. I tried to stay positive but it hasn’t really been working. I don’t know why, but today is a real struggle. Really  noticed around lunch time, that, even though I tried to stay positive all morning, it wasn’t meant to be. The scariest thing is, that Harry Potter isn’t lifting my spirit a bit. If that doesn’t work, I have little hope for anything else. I can’t even think of anything else. I’ve gone outside for walks. I’ve eaten. I’ve listened to music and watched Youtube videos. Nothing so far has changed my mood. Not even a little bit. I feel weirdly empty and disgusted for no particular reason.

I don’t know. Today is a weird day and I hate everything. I did what I could and most of what I had planned but I just want to scream and for it all to be over with. Ugh.

Foals and a wine bottle seem to be helping a little at the moment. It’s 19:26. Lets see how I get before I post this.

After dinner I had a bath and puzzled some more. I feel better. Didn’t actually drink that much. Lets see what tomorrow brings.


Summer: Half Time

It has been over two months now since my summer started. I haven’t worked much on what I had planned to do, but I have done a few little things and still have under two months to make the most of my time off. Today is Wednesday 10th August 2016. For some reason, I always think it’s Friday…

Significantly, I have managed to stay alive. I have visited friends in Germany, which was great. Met my mum’s friend from Canada for the first time. At first, I also went to the gym regularly, which I enjoyed. August in general was/is going to be busy. Still got one visitor and then we’ve got to start packing because we’re moving house. Before I go back, I still have to visit Cornwall.

Furthermore (damn how formal), still gotta sort out my provisional drivers licence which I said I would do. Haven’t done that yet, but its in the planning!

Today, I’ve watched a bit of Black Butler -about 2 and a bit episodes, I went into town and am spending this evening watching Youtube videos and stuff on Netlix, etc. So far I’ve even practised some Japanese. My favourite words are tea, delicious and sorry haha.
I feel really good about what I’ve achieved today. It’s still been a bit slow and I’m kinda tired, but I hope to have an earlier night tonight and feel more energised tomorrow!

Some of the videos I’ve watched today include:

That’s pretty much it for today. Videos, walks, a bath-bomb, a very relaxing evening. Soaking up the happiness while it lasts haha

Bis bald, see you soon.



August already!

Every day I could cry because of what I had planned to achieve and what I have actually achieved.

I can’t even remember the last book I finished but I think I’m currently reading about three or four books all at once because I am absolutely everywhere wasting time.

I still can’t string a sentence together in Japanese. Or in Dutch, Malay, Vietnamese, Irish Gaelic or Scottish Gaelic.

I only  started thinking about Dissertation Ideas a few days ago. Haven’t settled on anything yet. I hoped to get something done before I go back.

I haven’t finished any TV show or Movie on Netflix. Not one. And I’m watching so many things at the same time.

My days barely have a routine. Get up. Walk dogs. Shops/Gym/Appointments. Walk Dogs. Dinner. Walk Dogs. Too tired/lazy to focus on anything. I don’t know where my time as gone. What have I done with my time? I don’t know but I feel like I have failed myself quality time and now I feel like I should catch up but don’t know how because the routine I have isn’t set by me and I don’t have a way to get out of it.

The only thing I can think of is to utilise the little time I do have to myself to enjoy the time and do what I wanted to do in the first place. Because I can’t organise myself and currently find myself with really high Anxiety, I am struggling to organise myself.

What do I finish reading first? What to I finish watching first? When do I practice/learn Japanese? When could I spend time on Gaming? When can I do this, or that?

I just don’t know. I feel lost and empty and numb. The things I want to do would improve how I feel and how I feel about myself but alas. I just keep wasting time, which is not helping me. Ugh!

For tonight, I’m still planning on watching Black Butler and Stranger Things on Netflix. Go to bed early. Get up early so I can do more. I really hope I can sort myself out.



Today I am greatful for…

So when I’m upset and down, I either check my “happy memories” jar (which I haven’t updated in for ever) – it has some good things in it and triggers other good memories. I also write down in a smol little diary like thing what I am greatful for. Often it’s repetition, and I’ll write down things like 

I’m greatful for…

  • … fresh air,
  • … running water, which is clean
  • … being able to walk and talk and safely voice my opinion
  • … my pets
  • … my mum

Sometimes things are very materialistic, such as

I’m greatful for

  • … my camera
  • … my room
  • … my iMac
  • … etc

By doing this, I refocus my energy from what has been making me upset, and often it distracts me enough to do something else. Very often I do write down the same things over a period of time, but it does put my mind into a better place. I started doing this when we moved last year and lost a dog the same day. I spiralled out of control and was upset about everything, high just annoyed everybody. So I started writing things down I was happy and greatful about to refocus my attention on the positive things.

We’re moving again. I’ve gone from not writing a thing because of laziness to not writing a thing because of stress and another dog being ill… It’s like dejavu from last year. Definitely trying to keep up the “I’m greatful for…” thing to get me through this.

I don’t know if any of this is making sense. 

If you’re having a rough time, please do speak to somebody. It helps. Even if it’s me. I’m a good listener. 

Twitter: @cookie_ciaran

tumblr: meandmamemories.tumblr.com