I don’t know if I am going to post this, but I’m still going to write this out.
Saline’s video has made me feel better about myself just by her being herself in a recent video of hers
I also adore her blog and generally everything about her.
This isn’t me coming out to anybody. I justwant to tell a story.
When I was younger, I grew up with my mum’s best friends two boys R and C. In my little head, they were family. They were my brothers and I was their brother. I was just… a special brother. Just… a little different to them. Just like my hair was different to theirs, I had to pee sitting down.
They moved away some time, but I still considered them family. They were my brothers, I was their brother. However, I started my period, and I realised I had a problem. Looking back, I kinda knew, they weren’t going to start their period. That this all had something to do with me having to sit down to pee. I was more different to them on the outside than I had expected. I didn’t like that. In my head, I was their brother. Not their sister. In my mind, I was like them. A boy. But my body disagreed.
The day I started my period was the day I realised something was “wrong” with me. What ever was happening to me, I didn’t want to happen. Growing up, I never felt myself. I always felt distant to the person I saw in the mirror, to the person other people saw. It felt like playing a game I didn’t want to play.
It wasn’t until I moved to England and started my University course a few years later that I started to gather up the pieces I had buried over the years. It wasn’t until then that I found the words to describe who I am and to know that I can be more than the mind of the reflection I see in the mirror who isn’t actually me.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense to anybody out there but I felt like I had to write it down. My mind palace, a concept I’ve kind of adapted from Sherlock, is pretty dark and dull, so I make a huge effort to surround myself with colours (especially my favourite colour: Blue) and things I love, including areas I love, which is quite foresty. People who are accepting always help, too. I consider myself incredibly lucky to still have all my friends and family around me.
When people ask me, when I realised I was transgender, I tell them I was 9. It’s the age I realised I was not a boy in dresses, but a girl.
Luxeria posted a video of hers around this time last year.
Two other people have helped me a ton in the past two years. Lorcan I know personally, Alex and Jake I do not. Lorcan is actually in one of Jake’s videos.
Another interesting video I stumbled across, was Milo’s Queer Platonic Relationship Tag.
I watched quite a few videos of people doing the QPR Tag.
I’m thinking of telling another story, and submitting it to Chase’s project. I have yet to do it. I hope I don’t chicken out.
~ Ciaran ~