Words

Words can do a lot. They help us communicate our thoughts with others. They help us figure each other out, figuring other things out and asking for help for example.

Words can do many good things. They can also hurt and cause pain and confuse. They can be ambiguous and convey more than just one meaning.

Studying words, they, quite frankly, just give me a headache and all I can think of are trees. But that is not the point.

The point I am trying to make is, that what you are saying can be hurtful, even though you don’t mean your words to be hurtful.
In this point I do not wish to talk about how your body language, tone of voice and other contextual information aid how the meaning of words can be conveyed to others.

I would like to talk about being trans. Recently, I have openly spoken to my family about it. They fully support me. I kind of came out to my friends just now, mainly because I felt like I should spell out what is actually happening right now. I had changed my name on facebook and other social media without giving those closest to me more information.
So far, I have only had positive support. However, one of the comments included “brave to have decided to do so”. I know this person means well, but I haven’t “decided” this. It’s one of those things I was born with, I guess.

I found this as a reaction to this, which I thought was interesting and worth reading.

Short and sweet.
Soon, I should update ya’ll on my trip to the Harry Potter studio tour near London. I’m also going to Germany for a weekend to visit my friends (and to eat ALL THE FOOD), and I am very excited.

That is it for now.

Hugs and all things positive,

Ciarán

My top five fears

  1. Dying alone, or dying slowly
  2. Not being able to help mum/family in distress
  3. Being stuck
  4. Being attacked
  5. Having a panic attack on a train, on a plane or at university

I’m really scared of dying slowly, as in suffocating, being burnt/buried alive, etc and dying alone. I would just like a few people to remember me.

Not being able to help my mum when/if she has breathing problems or faints and I’m not there to call an ambulance really, REALLY worries me. I also feel bad when my friends in Germany go through s tough time and I can’t be there personally to give em a hug.

Being stuck in an elevator, a plane, on a train going under a tunnel is pretty scary for me.

With everything going on, I’m just scared of being attacked just because I’m where I am at that moment. 

My last fear is pretty self-explanatory. 

So this is just a quick post whilst I get my shit sorted out. Idk what’s up with me, but I feel emotional. I’m using “emotional” as an umbrella term here. There’s a bitterness to it and a pinch of coldness and stress and disconnectness to people and positive things and feelings.

Hopefully I’ll feel better soon 🙂

Hugs,

Ciarán

What gets me passionate about writing

Who am I?
Who are you?

How can I give you a piece of me, when speaking is a problem?
How can you give me a piece of yourself, if listening isn’t a strength?

My eyes are strained, but my brain is not.
My eyes will stray, but the written word keeps me focused.

Don’t give up teaching me how to draw,
Because I draw words instead of pictures.

I wrote the above instantaneously to the prompt of “What makes you passionate about writing”. I never really knew how to talk about my feelings, or how to make other people feel better. So I wrote poetry. I pretty much write for the same reason I got interested in Photography. I am scared of forgetting, and I cannot draw. I began taking photos of places I was scared of forgetting, I use words to capture how I felt and how the general mood was in the picture if the picture cannot.

I love writing when it is foggy, rainy and cold outside, with a cup of tea and some nibbles. I also love to write when I am meant to listen to lecturers at University, or on the train. The scenery I pass is what I fell in love with and which makes me feel at home. This scenery also gets me writing. The people on the train give me ideas.

I have never really written fanfiction, but the Marauders and Harry Potter in general have recently given me something to think about.

This is pretty short, and not very creative. A friend of mine is doing a module on Creative Writing, whilst I am doing a module on Studying Travel Writing, and he gives me the prompts he gets from his module. This was one of them.

In the next week, I will try and work on another Creative Writing prompt and/or I’ll share my trip to the WB Studio Tours in London on Friday to see Hogwarts in snow. It is the second time I am visiting (I also went last year) and I am SO excited, I might burst.

Kind Regards,

Ciarán

In all honesty…

The other day, mum and I had an open, honest discussion about me being trans. During and after our talk I felt heartbroken and incredibly upset. She never wanted a son, and she felt like it was only a big game for me, because I’m stuck in a fantasy world. It’s not a game. It’s very true to me, but I felt so hurt and attacked. 

I fell asleep crying and wondered how I’m going to solve this. The next day, I went to Uni and was quite glad I had to spend all day away from home -I did not want to speak to my mum again. But very early on in the day, I got a text. She said, that reflecting on what she had said the day before, she knew she was wrong. She said she knew she had always had a son, just didn’t knew it until now and that she’ll always support me. It was really uplifting and the kind of thing I needed to hear. It still left me emotional, but in a slightly better place. 

So this happened and now, two days later, I feel like myself. I officially feel like myself. 

Still struggling with Uni work wise. :-/

Hugs,

Ciarán
Ps: I hope to write a lot more and more interesting stuff, I just need to get my head around some work I have to do.